Am I selfish? A guide to understanding & loving yourself while also loving those around you.
In this article
Introduction
Your partner calls you selfish after you’ve made weekend plans without checking with them first, and the word stings because you know they’re kind of right. Or maybe you catch yourself feeling annoyed when a friend asks for help because it interrupts your plans—the same friend who dropped everything to help you move last month. Perhaps you’re visiting your elderly parent, mentally calculating how much longer the visit needs to last while checking your phone, even knowing that these moments together are more precious than ever. That uncomfortable flash of recognition – am I selfish? – is actually more valuable than you might think.
The fact that you’re asking, “how do I stop being selfish?” suggests you’re already more self-aware, and probably less selfish, than you think. Truly selfish people rarely question their behavior—they’re paying no attention to the impact of their behavior on the people around them, or they’re completely brushing it off. Your discomfort with your own patterns is actually a strength, not a character flaw. Most of us struggle with the tension between self-care and caring for others, especially when everything around us seems to reward putting ourselves first.
Here’s what this guide won’t tell you: that you need to become completely selfless, sacrificing your own needs for the happiness of others. That path leads to resentment, burnout, and relationships built on obligation rather than genuine love. You deserve to be cared for and treated well—especially by yourself. Instead, we’ll explore how loving yourself properly actually creates more space to love others authentically. The goal isn’t to eliminate self-care, but to expand your circle of care without losing yourself in the process.
This journey from self-centered to others-centered thinking isn’t about perfection—it’s about growth, awareness, and building habits that make consideration for others feel as natural as consideration for yourself.
Understanding selfishness vs. self-care.
Not all self-focus is created equal. There’s a crucial difference between healthy self-care and harmful selfishness, and understanding this distinction is key to changing your behavior without losing yourself.
Healthy self-care involves setting boundaries, meeting your needs, and prioritizing your mental and physical well-being, allowing you to show up fully for yourself and others. It’s saying no to a social event when you’re genuinely exhausted, or taking time to process your emotions before having a difficult conversation. This kind of self-focus actually makes you more available and present for the people you care about.
Harmful selfishness, on the other hand, consistently prioritizes your convenience, comfort, or desires over others’ legitimate needs – especially when those people have shown care for you. It’s the difference between taking a mental health day and habitually canceling plans whenever something more appealing comes up.
But why am I so selfish? Well…our brains are wired to focus on ourselves first. From an evolutionary perspective, this made sense – our ancestors who prioritized their own survival needs lived to pass on their genes. Even today, we naturally notice our own hunger, fatigue, and emotions more readily than we notice others’. This isn’t a character flaw; it’s human nature.
The problem isn’t that we think about ourselves – it’s when that’s all we think about. Our problems. Our relationships. Our needs. Our wants. All the time. True selfishness happens when our self-awareness stops at our own skin, when we fail to extend the same consideration we give ourselves to the people around us.
The goal isn’t to become a martyr who ignores their own needs. And most of us aren’t trying to become saints. Martyrdom doesn’t create love; it creates guilt and resentment on both sides. Instead, the goal is to expand your natural capacity for care. When you’re genuinely taking care of yourself, you have more emotional bandwidth to notice and respond to others’ needs without feeling depleted or resentful.
The self-awareness foundation.
So how not to be selfish? Well, before you can change selfish patterns, you need to recognize them. This requires a level of honest self-reflection that can feel uncomfortable, but it’s the foundation for any meaningful change.
Start by paying attention to your automatic responses in everyday moments. Notice when you feel annoyed by someone’s request for help or when you find yourself steering conversations back to your own experiences. You might feel impatient when someone is taking their time explaining something that you asked about, irritated when plans don’t go your way because someone else’s emergency has sprung up, or bored when someone shares good news that you know truly means the world to them. These moments aren’t reasons for shame – they’re valuable data points that help you understand your patterns.
Common signs of selfish behavior include: always being the one who talks in conversations, feeling resentful when you have to accommodate others’ schedules, rarely asking follow-up questions about other people’s lives, or feeling like your problems are more urgent or important than everyone else’s. You might catch yourself interrupting others or checking your phone when someone is trying to share something meaningful with you.
The tricky part is that these behaviors often feel justified in the moment. Of course your schedule is important. Of course you have valuable insights to share. Of course your problems feel urgent to you. The question isn’t whether your needs matter – they absolutely do – but whether you’re consistently making space for others’ needs to matter too.
Keep a mental note (or even a brief written record using an app like 101feelings) of moments when you recognize selfish impulses. Don’t judge yourself harshly; just observe. You might notice patterns: maybe you’re more self-focused when you’re stressed, tired, or feeling insecure. Understanding your triggers helps you prepare for them.
Remember, the goal of self-awareness isn’t self-attack. It’s self-understanding. You’re gathering information about how you currently operate so you can make conscious choices about how you want to operate going forward.
You're not alone - characters who've been there.
If you’re feeling alone in this struggle with selfishness, take comfort in knowing that some of literature and film’s most beloved characters have walked this same path. Their journeys from self-centered to genuinely caring show us that this transformation is not only possible—it’s one of the most compelling stories humans tell.
Take Ebenezer Scrooge from “A Christmas Carol.” His selfishness wasn’t just about hoarding money; it was about hoarding his heart. He lived in a world where only his own comfort, security, and grievances mattered. Sound familiar? Scrooge’s transformation didn’t happen because he was shamed into being better—it happened when he finally saw how his self-centeredness affected others and how much richer his life could be when he opened his circle of care.
Jo March in “Little Women” struggles with a different kind of selfishness—the creative, ambitious kind that can blind us to the needs of others. She’s so focused on her writing dreams and her own strong opinions that she sometimes tramples over her sisters’ feelings. When Amy burns her manuscript, Jo’s rage is so consuming that she nearly lets Amy drown out of spite. Her journey teaches us that even our most noble pursuits can become selfish if we pursue them without consideration for the people we love.
These characters resonate with us because their struggles feel real. They show us that moving beyond selfishness isn’t about becoming perfect; it’s about becoming more aware, more open, and more genuinely connected to the people around us. There’s a place for being selfish and making mistakes—we are only human, after all—but the key is learning to recognize when our self-focus is going too far and hurting the people we care about.
Building your capacity to care.
Now comes the practical part: how to stop being selfish? In other words, how do you actually expand your circle of care without losing yourself in the process? The key is to start small and build habits that feel natural rather than forced.
Begin with curiosity rather than obligation:
Instead of forcing yourself to care about everything everyone tells you, start by asking one genuine follow-up question in conversations. When someone mentions their weekend plans, ask what they’re most looking forward to. When a coworker seems stressed, ask if there’s anything you can do to help. This isn’t about becoming everyone’s therapist—it’s about stretching your attention beyond your own immediate concerns.
Practice the pause:
When someone asks for help, and your first instinct is irritation, take a breath before responding. Ask yourself: “Is this request reasonable? Have they helped me before? What would happen if I said yes? Is it really a huge amount of effort for me to help them, or can it be done quickly?” Often, the irritation comes from being caught off-guard, not from the actual inconvenience. A small pause gives you space to respond from intention rather than reaction.
Experiment with small acts of consideration:
Hold the elevator door an extra few seconds. Text someone back promptly instead of leaving them hanging. Remember the details people share with you and ask about them later. Next time you bake too much cake, take a few slices to your neighbor’s house. These tiny gestures build your awareness muscle and create positive feedback loops—when people feel seen by you, they’re more likely to see you in return.
Learn to celebrate others:
When someone shares good news, resist the urge to immediately relate it back to your own experience. Instead, ask questions that help them savor the moment. “How did you find out?” “What was the best part?” “How are you going to celebrate?” Their joy becomes more interesting when you focus on understanding it rather than competing with it. Simply saying ‘well done’ and ‘congratulations’ is a good start.
Set boundaries and respect your own time:
You can expand your care for others while still protecting your own energy and time. The difference is being intentional about both. Say yes when you genuinely can help, and say no when you genuinely can’t—but make those decisions consciously rather than reflexively. You can even offer to help, but “not right now”—suggesting a different time when you’re more available shows you care while respecting your current limits.
The paradox of healthy self-love.
Here’s the counterintuitive truth: the better you take care of yourself, the more capacity you have to genuinely care for others. This isn’t selfish—it’s a strategic move. When your own emotional tank is full, giving to others doesn’t feel like a drain; it feels like an overflow, and it comes from a more honest and creative place.
Think of it like the airplane oxygen mask instruction: you put your own mask on first, not because you matter more, but because you can’t help anyone else if you’re unconscious. The same principle applies to emotional well-being. When you’re running on empty—stressed, exhausted, or emotionally depleted—every request for help feels like a threat to your already limited resources.
But when you’ve genuinely taken care of your own needs, something interesting happens. Helping others stops feeling so much like a sacrifice and starts feeling more like a choice. You can say yes from a place of abundance rather than obligation, and that makes all the difference in how your help is received and how sustainable your care becomes.
This means being ruthless about protecting the basics:
- Sleep: Try to get as much as you need to have energy for the day (this is easier said than done for pretty much everyone).
- Nutrition: Regular meals that actually nourish you, not just quick fixes (even one good nutritious meal probably beats two junk meals).
- Decompression time: Daily moments to breathe, whether it’s reading, a walk, or just sitting quietly in the garden (you could also use this as a chance to explore local parks and find your favorite one).
- Self-care: Things that let you take care of yourself in an enjoyable way—a spa or beauty evening at home once a week, a stretching session, or whatever makes you feel nurtured.
- Energy-restoring activities: Things that genuinely fill you up—reading, exercise, creative hobbies, a knitting session, time in nature.
- Boundary setting: Saying no to commitments that drain you without good reason, and yes to things that energize you.
- Self-respect: Treating your own emotional needs with the same care you’d show a good friend’s needs.
The paradox is that people who are genuinely good at self-care are often the most generous people you know. They’re not constantly keeping score because they’re not constantly depleted. They can celebrate others’ successes without feeling diminished because their own sense of worth isn’t under threat. They can listen without always needing to share their own story because they’re not starved for attention.
When you love yourself well—not in a narcissistic way, but in a nurturing, protective way—you create the conditions for loving others well. You stop looking to others to fill the voids in your own life and start seeing them as whole people with their own needs and experiences. This is the foundation of genuine, sustainable care for others.
How 101feelings helps you to manage your feelings of selfishness.
At 101feelings, we help you explore all of your different feelings, from the obvious ones like mad, sad, joyful, and peaceful to the nuanced feelings like selfish, guilty, and embarrassed, so that you can uncover how you are truly feeling and why you are feeling that way. Our app provides guided prompts specifically designed to help you identify the root causes of your emotions and develop healthier ways to process them.
When it comes to feeling selfish, our platform helps you dig deeper than the surface emotion to understand what’s really driving those feelings—whether it’s fear of not having enough, insecurity about your own importance, or anxiety about your needs being met. Through targeted questions and exercises, you can gain clarity about your triggers and learn practical strategies for managing selfishness in real-time.
The journey to overcoming selfishness starts with understanding, and 101feelings is here to guide you through that process in the easiest way possible.
Conclusion
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s actually a good thing. Dramatic personality shifts rarely stick. Instead, sustainable change comes from building small habits that gradually reshape how you think and respond to others.
So how to be less selfish? Start by picking one or two strategies from this guide rather than trying to implement everything at once. You could begin by asking one follow-up question in conversations each day or practicing the pause before responding to requests for help. Focus on consistency over perfection—doing something small regularly is more powerful than doing something big sporadically.
Expect setbacks and be gentle with them. You’ll still have moments where you’re completely self-focused, forgetting to ask about others or responding with irritation instead of kindness. These aren’t failures; they’re part of the learning process. If we’re completely honest, life feels more difficult and busy than ever, so give yourself credit for even trying to be more considerate. The goal isn’t to never be selfish again—it’s to catch yourself more quickly and choose differently more often.
Remember that becoming less selfish ultimately serves you too. People are drawn to those who genuinely see and appreciate them. So you’ll end up with more friends, more experiences, and more happiness. Your relationships will deepen, your reputation will improve, and you’ll feel more connected to the world around you. The journey from self-centered to others-centered thinking isn’t about sacrificing your happiness—it’s about discovering a richer, more fulfilling way to live.
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